We are the same person. We really are. And I really care about you. And it will never be returned the same way. If my life were a CD, it’d be the same track on repeat. And come to think of it, it’d probably be by Taylor Swift. Fuck my life again.
How do you accept that? You don’t. It just is. And this is why I’m a miserable person. Sorry to all of you that it annoys. It bothers me that much more.
It’s one thing to have your thoughts keep you up at night. It’s entirely different to remember every single time that either you fucked up or she just wasn’t interested on a nightly basis and want to punch the wall with each one.
I am so damn frustrated. Everywhere I look, I see girls that I find attractive that are with a guy already. And all of the single girls here are only interested in guys who play sports.
I know I’m being hypocritical in being interested in physically attractive girls and expecting them to be interested in more than just how I look, but I look at more than that. I appreciate how a girl might smile, or talk, or do certain small things that I notice. It matters to me. I’m not a bad looking guy. I’m just not as athletically built as some others. It’s not like I’m 200lbs with a neck beard and constant BO or something. I try to take care of myself.
Meanwhile, of course I like somebody. Because I can’t ever just be happy without stressing over something. But she’s not interested in me like that. She’s a good friend. So the same typical thing happens:
1. It bothers me for a while
2. I may try to bury it
3. My feelings get the best of me and I confess to girl how I feel as if the complexity of my emotions matter worth a shit
4. She finds it awkward and doesn’t feel the same way.
5. If I’m feeling extra pathetic, I ask why
6. There’s an awkward disconnect between me and her and we slowly stop being friends.
7. It bothers me for a few weeks/months.
8. It restarts.
And it sucks, because I know that I could be good for her. I understand how she feels about a lot of things because I get them too. We have similar backgrounds. And I get she has needs. Just because I’m a “nice guy” doesn’t mean that I don’t have needs too. I get it. I’m not so totally fucking inept at everything that I can’t make somebody happy and I just wish that for one fucking time, just one, I’d get the chance before hearing that she was swept up by some other guy, with some other guy, or that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me romantically. Just one fucking time is all I want. But of course, that’s completely unattainable. Fuck that.
Today I learned that I am an irreversibly miserably bitter fuck, and that this will doom me in almost every relationship that I have in the future.
How is your day going?
Finally something i agree with, posted by a religious person none the less!
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